Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.