A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The Weeknd is back
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.