*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Lmao
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.