just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.