Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house