Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.