[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story