why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Hello Twits.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.