I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?