Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
do mermaids get waxed or descaled