in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
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[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.