Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
asking santa clause for nudes
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Bike is short for Bichael.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza