The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
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a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.