girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
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The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
This made me chuckle.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Hitlers gonna hitl
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.