I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
A dad and his duck
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
A game married people play.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.