Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.