I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy