Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Ovenable?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in