My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Cndnsd Mlk
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”