I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
You Might Also Like
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.