crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
dam girl
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.