It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”