My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Dishonest mechanic?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.