You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.