Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
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Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
consequences, the bane of my existence
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure