My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.