Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza