[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Finally, an explanation.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life