Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
at ease…shoulder.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg