Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*