[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
🤣could you imagine
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Tony Hawk, age 6
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.