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I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.