I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.