my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
You Might Also Like
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
smh