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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”