I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan