Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
You Might Also Like
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”