Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
You Might Also Like
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.