How dramatic are you?
You Might Also Like
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Just me and my debit card against the world
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.