When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
the simulation is moving too fast
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
The little toadstool has spoken.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first