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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Feels like there should be a middle ground