*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING