Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job