The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Challenge accepted.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Every. Damn. Time.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Always.
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.