Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.