[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card