The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries