Maths meets science
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Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?