Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
There is no try. There is only give up.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes