I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!